Sorry but this isn't going to be like one of those American teen movies I'm afraid.
But before we get to that let's talk about icky stuff I forgot to write about from my early childhood. Specifically what nature decided to put between my legs and how I felt about that. Well as most people know little boys very quickly find this thing between their legs and it immediacy fascinates them and becomes the centre of their world. Surprisingly or not, I never felt any connection to it, it was just something that was there and it's only purpose was for weeing. In fact thinking about I didn't actually learn to wee standing up, until I was in junior school, I think. Although I didn't learn to walk until I was 3 and then I had an operation on my leg when I was about 5, so things like probably contributed to that as well. But it's safe to say I absolute hate it, and I've never felt comfortable with it. To be fair I'd probably be a lot happier than I am now if I could get rid of that but things don't work like that. So getting rid of it will be about the last thing to happen.
So anyway where were we? Oh yeah I was just about finished with high school and had just started going out a girl, right? So after gaining pretty average GCSE results I foolishly decided to stay on in the sixth form and do my A-levels, there must have been at least 8 to choose from basically your core subjects, Maths, Physics and Economics! What the hell was I thinking? As you can probably tell from reading this blog English isn't one of my strongest subjects. It was about this time, I had my first taste of cross dressing. My middle sister(the last of my sisters to leave home) moved out and I inherited her old room, when she went she left a binbag full of clothes for giving to the charity shop. There wasn't much, but I raided this and salvaged a skirt and a couple of tops that didn't really fit me. It didn't really help things and I was always terrified of being caught, so it didn't last long until they were consigned to a bag in the bottom of my wardrobe. Then came the bombshells. Despite being careful my girlfriend got pregnant(I have to admit I did feel some jealousy, odd yes but there you go), so my studies became quite secondary to that. Eventually after a lot of soul searching she was going to have an abortion.. except the doctors made a mistake and by the time she was to have it, she was over 24 weeks. So eventually we came to the decision to have the baby adopted soon after he was born. A decision that I know still haunts us both as to if it was the correct one, but it probably was for his sake. I totally flunked my first year of A-levels and I started feeling very lethargic, uninterested in anything much at all and lost a lot of weight, this lead to us splinting up a couple of months later and she moved away to Newquay. I then decided to quit the sixth form and go to college to do a course in computer studies. I began to feel really ill, and with a couple of weeks I was hospitalised and nearly died, as I had undiagnosed type I diabetes. Overall the next few years were pretty uneventful to be honest, I did the whole student thing, drunk copious amounts of alcohol, experimented with a lot of illicit drugs and went to a silly amount of gigs. I was happier than I'd been so far in my life, I think that was down to finally having quite a bit more freedom than I was used to.
My issues with my gender didn't exactly go away during this time, but they didn't rule my life on a daily basis either. I hoped it had just been a phase and I was becoming more comfortable with who I was. But it was more of a case of I'd become VERY good at masking my feelings even to myself and I became good at pretending I was happy. During these 4 years I didn't really have any relationships, nor was I bothered about this, although for a few month the girl I'd seen before came back home and we sort of went out again, but nothing serious. Life was quiet if nothing else, little did I know there was a timebomb ticking in my head.
I left college in shortly before my 21st birthday, after gaining a HND in computer studies. It took me a few months to get a job, but when I did it things seemed ok. I got on well with my boss and co-workers and I enjoyed the work and of course finally earning some money. A few months after later I was reading FHM or Loaded or some such magazine and it had an article about transsexuals in Thailand they mentioned a company in the UK that sold clothing etc, for 'men who want to be women' I won't mention the company name, as the owner has a history of litigation against people. Basically as I was to find out later they sold over priced useless tat to desperate and vulnerable people. I spent hundreds of pounds there. I bought some underwear a pair of false breast(which were basically made of foam) and a false vagina(basically some latex shaped a vulva on a belt). Of course none of this helped me feel any better about myself, in fact it made me feel a whole lot worse. At that time I also purchased some hormones over the internet, my first attempt at 'self-medicating' I bought 3 months worth, I had no idea what I was doing nor if what I was doing was dangerous. At first they made me feel nauseous, I guess like morning sickness, I don't really recall what difference they made to my moods and general state of mind. They didn't really have any lasting effect on my body because I didn't take them long enough. I guess maybe I got a little breast growth but nothing really noticeable. Although one thing I did notice is they made my wee smell different.
Soon after this things started to go wrong at work. My boss who I'd been good friends with started to go on a major power trip with everybody and it turned everybody against one another, and to cut a long story short... it tipped me over the edge and the timebomb exploded. I went into a deep clinical depression, one that would keep me off work for almost a year. Tune in next time for another thrilling instalment!
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