The next few weeks were a bit of blur, full of new feelings. Confusing feelings and exciting feelings. Finally having somebody I could open up to about this after so many years. Quickly I began to realise this wasn't going to go away and even though I didn't feel I could go through with gender reassignment, I had no choice I couldn't go on living that way for the rest of my life.
In early February I'd gone to my GP to ask to go back on my meds for depression, and I'd seen a new doctor who was only there part time, but in that one visit he made me feel like I could trust him and he wasn't going to change the subject to my diabetes every time I went in for something else, like some of them do. So when I went back for more medication I told him why I was depressed, and the ball started rolling very slowly, he didn't know the procedures, so said he would find out for my next visit.
Another few weeks down the line, I decided it was time to tell my girlfriend, I didn't expect her to take it so well but she was wonderful, she said she'd know something was wrong and had done ever since I was first depressed and it a way she was just to finally know what it was and that something could be done about it.
I thought a lot of the next month or two about things, in that time I think I more or less decide that when it came to changing my name it would be to Josie or Josephine, my friend more or less decided that for me when it was what she called me in reply to my original confession. Plus I didn't see the point in confusing things by choosing something totally different. People can still call me Jo, so it's easier for everybody.
After my next trip to my GP I was referred for counselling, this was pretty much a waste of time, I had 2 sessions but it was with a general counsellor who had no experience of gender identity disorder(GID). When I went back to my GP he managed to refer me to a psychosexologist, although as she was on long term sick leave it would be 2009 before I got to see her.
Around this time I also told a few more of my friends on my livejournal, at this point I had only every told girls about my plans as I just didn't feel comfortable yet telling any of my male friends. Again they were wonderful and supportive. Also I started having problems with my eyes, another health issue to worry about, my sight started deteriorating quite quickly. I had to have some laser treatment which wasn't overtly successful so I was referred to Liverpool for surgery in early 2009. The rest of 2008 was pretty uneventful as far as things were going.
January 2009, was a very busy month. Firstly I decided to come out to on the messageboard I had been posting on for years. This was very nerve racking, as these weren't necessarily people who liked me or that I knew well and I thought there would be some pisstaking if nothing else. Surprisingly although most people were quite shocked and never suspected the was no real negative reactions, a few raised eyebrows and a couple of 'OMG why would you want your penis cut off' comments but nothing bad. I also had my first appointment with the psychosexologist which went pretty well. I then told some of my 'real life' friend i.e. those I went to school and college with. Things didn't go so well with them, some were quite nasty and said I was a freak/weirdo and they didn't want to know me any more, a couple thought it was hilarious. Some seemed ok with it, but wpild soon begin to drift away, by not contacting me or replying to my text messages, This was quite hard because it was the first real rejections I had from people, but still it's their choice. I can't make people like me, and if they can't accept me wanting to be happy and be myself tough. Around this time I also starting buying and wearing some more 'girly' clothes on a daily basis. Although obviously being careful not arouse suspicions with my family. I also bought some more breast forms, and although I was a little happier with these, than the others they were still far from perfect.
I also had my first eye surgeries, which due to a bleed in my right eye left me virtually blind and unable to go outside on my own for about 4 months, this was quite hard because it was hard to keep in contact with people and things really ground to a halt. After the surgery it became clear they weren't able to do much with the sight in my left eye and it would remain very poor, but my right eye would probably be ok, once the blood had cleared up. It was the end of June before this happened, and it was a time of mixed emotions. I was on a massive high because finally after months I could see to use a computer properly, I could read and I could go out on my own. But also sadly somebody I was friends with from the messageboard very unexpectedly took his own life, which lead to a lot of people I'd been friends with, but not talked to in years posting on the boards. At this point I decided it was time to get a Facebook account so I wouldn't lose contact again. There was a course another round of explanations for those who didn't yet know, but again most people were nothing but supportive.
In August I took voluntary redundancy from my job, because they were making 2 redundancies and I'd been off sick for 5 months because of my eyes. So it was fairly obvious I'd be one of then and the voluntary package would be better than if they decided to make me redundant. I kept seeing the psychosexologist and I had 2 more eye operations on my left eye towards the end of the year.
In February this year I finally saw a proper psychiatrist, as part of my assessment I needed a proper psych exam in order to be referred to one of the proper gender clinics. Although I don't think it went very, some of the questions were odd, and sometimes he wouldn't accept my answers and he seemed to be trying to make me fit a certain label. I got the desired result and he said I needed to be referred. This report was sent off to the PCT in April and they were going to make a decision when they had their meeting on 30th June.
In May I started attending the monthly TREC meetings in Manchester, when I can. These offer me a chance to get used to dressing out and about in a safe environment, while also being able to learn how to pass as a woman, and learn how to apply make-up and just generally be around other transgender people.
Although I've had very little luck finding employment, I did how get offered some voluntary work, which I am still doing part time which I am hoping could turn into paid work. This won't be until the end of August if it happens as I am going back into hospital in a couple of weeks for a further operation on my left eye.
So this is me up to date. Hopefully now I can just update this blog to say how I am progressing and try not to use it too much like a journal where I'd just piss and moan when I am feeling a bit down. Hopefully soon the PCT will let me know if they have decided if they will fund my treatment or not, it's been almost a month since their meeting so fingers crossed I will get a letter soon.
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