Part 3 : The Depressive Years.

So we're now in 2002, about the time I got broadband internet woohoo! This small thing ended up over time making such a massive difference to my life. First of all it gave me unlimited access to a whole world of information about gender dystopia, transgender forums, and information about surgery and the like. I began to maybe realise I was transgender and just because I didn't really fit the stereotypes I've been used to seeing and hearing about, it didn't matter. I also at the time I also joined a internet message board, little did I know what effect that was going to have on my life.

In the summer of that year I went into meltdown, I drank very heavily and must have slept with at least 5 different girls, including my boss' sister, okay not a smart idea but even before that things had gotten to a point where she was impossible to work with. One thing was the final straw in what was left of a once decent friendship earlier that year. My dad was admitted to hospital with a blood clot in his leg, I asked to leave early because he was in a pretty bad way. She said something like 'No, stop going on about your dad if not like he's going to die. I had to watch my mother die(this was about 18 months previously)blah blah blah something." By that point I wasn't listening I'd just walked out and was on my way to see him. Everything was about her mother dying. OK yes it's sad, but I'm sorry almost 2 years later you can't expect special treatment just because your mother has died. Sadly it happens to most people at some time in their life. Thankfully after a few days in hospital my dad was fine.

So towards the end of the year, the stress of work and my boos being a total bitch, coupled with the face I really wasn't coping with life in general. I ended up being signed off work for 2 weeks with depression. Another classic from my boss "What do you have to be depressed about? I had to watch my mother die!" Basically she was pissed off because I was the only one who knew what I was doing and worked hard so things weren't getting done and she got the flack. One thing I always smiled to myself about was they had to hire 2 temporary staff to cover my job, so it showed how much I was missed. So 2 weeks turned into another 2 weeks, then another 2. I was referred for counselling. I feel like I missed a real opportunity with this, I could have told her the ultimate reason why I was so depressed. But for whatever reason I didn't. I probably hadn't come to terms with it myself by then either. I ended up being off work for 11 months. When I went back thing improved a bit, things were better. Probably because people had been warned not to pressure me. People were shocked I'd lost about 4 stones in weight and I think then they realised I'd been pretty ill and just on some jolly for a year.

During my time at home, I spent a lot of time on the internet and I got to know quite a few people off the message board. I began talking to one girl in particular, she was only 15 I think when we first stared chatting(yes, I'm a paedophile :P) and became very close friends and we both kept each other on the straight and narrow during our depressive episodes. If I'm honest nobody else has had quite such a positive effect on my life, I'm pretty sure she saved my life on more than one occasion. My first girlfriend came back to town for a while and we got back together again and things sort of began to platen for a while.

2004, I sunk back into depression and ended up having to spend a few days and night in a mental hospital, because I began self harming very often. It's something I had done occasionally throughout my depression, but soon after I returned to work it became an almost daily ritual. I also attempted suicide by taking a overdose of anti-depressants. My girlfriend moved to Australia to stay with her grandparents for several months. I also started going to meets around the country with all the friends I had started to make on the message board. I also around this time found an outlet with sort of helped my depression and also in a way felt the girl in me out a little. I started collecting A LOT of cuddly toys mainly Stitch from Lilo and Stitch ones, I maybe became a little bit too obsessed. I think this finally managed to pull me around a little. I also began psychotherapy which would last for nearly three years.

2005, In January I again tried to take my own life, taking an overdose again. My annoying boss finally fucked off and quit her job. WOOOHOOO! For the next few years life pretty much stagnated. I remained with my girlfriend but we never felt the time was right to commit and move in together. Work went okay, not a great job, but easy and decent money and not 200% less stressful. During these years I also began to experiment with wearing women's clothing a little more. It didn't make any happier, so I sort of gave up and tried to suppress the feelings I had, and tried to just accept I was a man and that was the end of it.

Towards the end of 2007 I began to dream regularly about turning into a girl and in most of those dreams the girl I had become very close friends with from the message board was involved. Then in early 2008 I did the unthinkable. It was a spur of the moment thing, I never planned to. I never even really gave it much thought at all. I sent her a text message saying I had something I couldn't tell anybody and she might hate me if I told her. She asked me what it was, and I told her I wanted to be a girl. It seemed like hours until she replied to say it wasn't obvious, but she was fine with it. At this point I had no intention still of transitioning or having surgery, but that to would soon change.